Sleep and Death
by HDxSlash
Summary: 1. Sleep and death aren't a good combination.. 2. Living on coffee. It's all about Grief... -Both Harry and the why, envolves around Death,suppossed to be heavy read.
1. Chapter 1

Beta+criticism wanted.

**Sleep and Death don't work well together..**

I don't want to sleep, need to keep those eyes open. A little voice in my head is singing, taunting me; Come on.. stay awake. Take a deep breath, blink a few times.. You are allowed to yawn but don't you dare to fall asleep. Come on; you can manage this because you know, when you fall asleep you are with him again and you don't want that. Stay awake, don't fall to sleep. The voice whispered on and on.. like a broken record on repeat in the hallows of every single night.

Once sleep overtakes me in the early hours just before the sun decides to rise; Know where to go.  
I am going to the only place that can make my body feel alive and where my heart gets filled with love and takes all the existing pain away.. Then, for just a few tiny hours it's just you and me, together..Alive.. Once more. Life feels like it goes back to how it was long ago, when you were still with me; love and happiness.

You know, when you fall asleep.. there is a point where you need to wake up. That's exactly the thing I just don't want to do..But I can't fight it; Eyes are filling with silent tears; mind filling with broken pieces of scenes in the future whereof I know, they will never come true. Chest is aching of a loudly thumping heart that gets shattered and crushed under the weight of my own soft voice whispering; begging for a way to have you in my arms again..

For hours and hours my mind gets lost from reality, sobbing over him.. Until someone comes around and take me back to real life and remind me of the living still here to take care for. Telling me I should not waste my life over a dead man. I try; I really do.. but I can't seem to manage a point of letting him go; I don't want to.

But when the night comes around; the sky goes black, the clock keeps ticking hours away and sleep is luring in the dark and waiting for me to end the vicious circle of repeating sentences and whisk me up; take me to my loved one in the wonderful world of dreams.. Just to crush my existence by the cruel act of waking me up in the morning. Same thing every night and same thing every morning; It doesn't bloody change.

Lately; with the holidays around, my pleading voice spills different words and dangerous thoughts; Either sleep keep me forever or stay away for eternity because being in the middle.. is what I can't take. It only makes me longing more for the man I have lost and can't have back.. Never. Every night I pray for sleep to forget about me and when I am with him in my dreams I want to stay very badly.. in the meanwhile; when I am actually awake and not lost, I will try to build a stairway to heaven because no matter what, how many days go by.. I love him. Many can say he was just a man and do not grief, I say he was my soul mate and my loved one and I do grief ..as long as it takes. Every day and every night.

**Both sleep and death are cruel and are downright evil when you suffer of them both, not to mention the holidays; they are the killing machines around. Put the three together and a lethal cocktail will arise.**


	2. Chapter 2

Living on coffee.

**'If the lethal cocktail hasn't done his job, you still have to battle Grief.'**

I still remember; how I sat down on his seat with a cup of coffee in my hands, waiting for him to walk through our front door while I was having an unsettled stomach and a thumping pain in the chest. Looking how the sun had left in the late evening, colouring the blue sky in beautiful tints of yellow, pink and purple. My eyes couldn't see the beauty I thought it once contained. I didn't blink, speak, cry or scream, no nothing, just sipping coffee out of his cup. That night, someone had urged me to go and find my bed and I went, body numb with too much emotions to handle; made me cry myself to sleep and waking up in the early morning.

The week had passed by on me and the only event I can vividly remember at all times was him leaving me.. The rest of the events turned into a blur.

In the weeks that followed I would find myself sitting on the edge of his seat with a cup of coffee, even now when my mind had wrapped itself around the events; I was still waiting for a dead man's return although one thing for sure; he would not come back. I would laugh at myself for being silly, I would ponder that same sentence over and over again, drowning myself in bucket loads of coffee and staring out the window; staring at his empty closet, his favourite glass still on the edge of the table and his jewellery next to mine; driving myself crazy. Most of my time I would spend on staring at photos and letters of us; some will call it throwing my life in the gutter but I didn't care. I didn't had a need for friends or food; I rather enjoyed my time getting lost in memories with a cup of coffee in my hands and unshed tears in the corner of my eyes, not moving and only looking up when one wanted my attention.

It's months ago now; I remember; it's almost a year ago now. I am aware that I recently had a turning point and find myself more and more hurt with the slightest thought of him. I spend so much time trying to; 'just get over it'. Some would say that but they don't know how badly heartbroken I am and it still feels like it was only yesterday when he left me here.. all alone. Somewhere along the ride grief let me know it wanted its toll and somehow I didn't mind to hand that over. I did not and will not care at all.

I rarely step into my bedroom anymore. His rose, a deep crimson red rose is still hanging beside my bed near my pillow on which my head haven't been in ages. I don't go to bed; I don't sleep, work, talk, laugh or see friends. I drink coffee and stare into space, stare to my beloved one his possessions; think about him and block life itself out. I don't want to be a part of it anymore; all I want is a way for us to be together instead of us both alone. I once had a family same as I once had friends, now It's just me and my grief. Grief makes people feel a lot of different things.. I just lost my appetite; I feel Forlorn, depressed and distracted for any form of actual life.

**Grief takes it time, slowly absorbs you into his web of tears and his final taking will be death.. I gradually allow that to happen.**

Until that time comes around, I will just sit somewhere in a dark corner with his cup in my hands, filled with coffee, staring into the big nothing waiting for my time so I can be with him.. Like we should be.


End file.
